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Post by kenny on Oct 25, 2005 20:46:01 GMT -5
In my second draft I plan to insert an "arrest" scene of another person, a la "Minority Report," just without the shredded glass, pre murders, and neat-o special effects. And as for the machavellian society, this government was leaked into the existing government over a long period of time- slowly over several decades, arrests increase, crime decreases, and the people are oblivious to the increased control, taking it as a step against terrorism (Today's conscern!) and losing their creativity!
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Post by bluesabre1 on Oct 25, 2005 21:49:54 GMT -5
But don't make the terrorism international, make it an internal terror from communisits, socialists, facists, and extremeist religious groups. As we grow more capitalist, more diverse, and more secular, there will be an explosion of hatred from these groups. At least that's my vision.
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Post by kenny on Nov 1, 2005 23:58:16 GMT -5
Of course. But most people are focusing on the EXTERNAL terror in today's world. For example, the- no... won't go there...
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Post by kenny on Nov 18, 2005 21:31:16 GMT -5
Right, I was getting political. Allright. I shall go about more editing now.
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Post by kenny on Dec 8, 2005 21:38:11 GMT -5
-SCRIPT DELETED-
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Post by Skywalker on Dec 9, 2005 1:17:38 GMT -5
excellent... though i still don't quite get what's going on. post more of the script...
Guess what... people can't rip you for syringes... i have some. They even have the needle... though don't ask where they come from... or else, i'll have to devestate you...
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Post by kenny on Dec 9, 2005 10:37:44 GMT -5
LOL Okayyyyyyy, won't go there...
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Post by kenny on Dec 10, 2005 22:26:35 GMT -5
-SCRIPT DELETED-
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Post by kenny on Dec 11, 2005 0:06:17 GMT -5
WAAH! LOOK AT MY SCRIPT! LOOKY!
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Post by Skywalker on Dec 11, 2005 0:26:34 GMT -5
so i've got a few notes...
- overall, the concept is good. just needs some polishing - There is almost no character development. i think you should add a few scenes to introduce William and Roger. currently, i don't know who the hell is who... (note that I am willing to help you to fix this) -The final fight is over half the movie and is very disoreinting... i would advise splitting the fight. Maybe have one confrontation between William and Sting, William would escape. More dialogue then the final battle. And, also shorten the scene. -Too many characters... we don't have enough people to act for all of them. For this film, i really don't think you should repeat characters. - You can do away with a few scenes. (I think Eric should help you on this) - some of the stuff is a little bit out of our reach... we cant make blood gush out of people... we don't have good guns (silencer style). This doesn't stop you from buy new, better guns though. If you do, i would advise getting BB guns or paintball guns. - "_Fin" is Eric's trademark, so don't use it. Try to come up with your own ending. (like me, i always use end credits) - You need to think where we're going to film this movie. I, personally, have no idea where some of the scenes are going to take place. -personally, i think you should stay behind the camera for this film, and not act. It's not because of your acting, but because it usually ends up with a better product in the end. - The title doesn't make much sence with the film. (i might be wrong with this one) - and finally, a script format issue. Write down if the scene is going to be interior or exterior.
Once these issues are worked out, i think this movie will be very good. Great job kenny. I drastic improvement from LFM. Keep it up.
-Skywalker
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Post by Eric T. Jones on Dec 11, 2005 0:40:47 GMT -5
I don't mind people using the "___Fin" card, so long as it's not modified from its current form.
Half the script is fighting- it almost feels like two different movies spliced together with a piece of Scotch tape. I think it would be better if you just stuck to the original topic of suppressing creativity, which only seems present in the first half.
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Post by bluesabre1 on Dec 11, 2005 0:57:17 GMT -5
The word is: cliche. It has just about as much substance as a bad Bond movie.
Advice: Develop your characters as Aniket said. I mean if it makes the movie better to make it longer by all means go ahead. It might alleviate the absolutely bizarre ending. There's not much you can do to avoid the tacked on feeling as it is, it's the nature of the film. Extending it and developing your characters will help this problem. Hopefully. You're ambition is refreshing, but if you're going for a philosophy/action movie at least make sure you've got the philosophy part of that strongly established. (We're not exactly in the action business, lest we forget.)
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Post by kenny on Dec 11, 2005 21:11:06 GMT -5
The final fight does NOT take up half the movie. It just FEELS like it does when you read it. The actual shootout should be inside of a minute, perhaps a minute and a half. (If done well)
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Post by bluesabre1 on Dec 11, 2005 21:17:06 GMT -5
Still, our comments stand. You need to develop your story to optimize its potential. (oooh optimize. jargony.)
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Post by Eric T. Jones on Dec 11, 2005 21:30:47 GMT -5
...and sure it'll deliver a "WTF" as an ending. Just because it's a WTF ending doesn't mean it's a good ending.
These days, screenwriters are just so wound up in breaking and avoiding cliches that they don't care about the substance of a film. ...say what you want, but I liked "Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story" better than "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind".
Even if the final shootout doesn't take up a whole half of the movie, "Stick to the original subject matter" is the point.
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